Christmas Under the Alps

In America, our Christmas traditions are mostly indoors, be they huddling around the fire with family or missing your connection at O’Hare. The Swiss, however, are an outdoorsy people, and just because their country at Christmastime is a dark and frozen tundra, they won’t be dissuaded. If anything, they double-down on their outdoorsiness in the form of Christmas Markets.

Christmas Markets, as I understand them, are outdoor wintertime markets that are popular in countries where markets shouldn’t be outdoors in winter. These yuletide bazaars provide a host of culturally-specific Christmas fare (most of which involves pretzels) and the camaraderie that comes from shopping with your countrymen as you slowly freeze to death.

Sweden and Norway: Külture Wår

Sweden and Norway are reluctant siblings.  Stuck side-by-side on the Scandinavian Peninsula and conjoined by a border one-thousand miles long, they’re forever up in one another’s business.  Over the years, they’ve faced many of the same threats – Vikings, Nazis, the usual – but having a common foe did not unite them.  Rather, Sweden’s response was, “We’re neutral.  Go invade Norway instead,” whereupon Norway would get its butt kicked.  However, Norway has historically excelled at finding the silver lining to any situation.  Consider their Resistance Museum’s analysis of Nazi occupation:

“Rationing had some advantages: people could no longer indulge, and the shortage of sugar meant less dental decay.”

Sweden and Norway: The Arctic Winter of Our Discontent

There’s a reason people don’t visit Sweden and Norway in January.  The temperature is perpetually subzero, whether you’re measuring in Celsius, Fahrenheit, or Kelvin.  And the sun is perpetually nonexistent: while in May the sun rises at 4 am, in January the sun rises in May.

There’s a reason I visited Sweden and Norway in January.  At least, I assume there is.  The PTSD has driven it from me, but it involved a suggestion from my once-friends and never-again travelmates Alpana and Gagan.  They figured that two weeks in the dark and frigid reaches of Scandinavia would make their decision to live in Cincinnati seem reasonable by comparison.

Just as high-altitude areas require alternative cooking instructions, so do Scandinavian winters require a new approach to vacationing.  For example, where you may be used to “going outside” and “seeing things,” Sweden and Norway have other ideas.

Czech Your Pillage: Central Europe under Siege

Once burned, twice shy.  Twenty times burned, Central Europe.  Between Ottomans, Swedes, Napoleon, Hapsburgs, non-Nazi Germans, Nazi Germans, and Communists, Central Europe has the habit of being burned to the ground by most any marauder.

To discourage this cycle of destruction, medieval city planners turned to a new model: find a hill, build a castle on it, and keep your important stuff in the castle.

We prepare to storm the castle.

Aside from walls, which came standard, the particular defense mechanisms varied from castle to castle.  In Cesky Krumlov, the royals filled the moat with bears.  (Incidentally, I have an idea for a Revenant sequel.)  In Prague, castle dwellers pushed people out of windows, an approach which led to the 1618 Defenestration of Prague, my new favorite historical event.  In Salzburg, the castle had a giant mechanical organ which could blast only one chord and was presumably used to annoy invaders or summon Von Trapps.

Wrestling with Masculinity

When it comes to masculinity, America has feelings. We males are supposed to be aggressive yet easygoing, equally adept with a slap on the back or a punch to the kidney. We should like large quantities of meat, as well as drinks that double as drain cleaner. We must be hairy of head and voluminous of bicep. American culture communicates these requirements in many ways—Hollywood, men’s magazines, gym teachers—but perhaps no vehicle is more effective than that hallmark of pay-per-view: pro wrestling.

This summer, that I might finally attain masculinity, I attended my first pro wrestling event, “The Best in the World” hosted by Ring of Honor. As I understand it, ROH is the Off-Broadway of the professional wrestling scene. It’s for those who find the WWE “too commercial” and desire more artistic integrity in how men in speedos fake-punch each other.

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